Gottman Method of Couples Counselling

If I have a perspective that makes sense to me, but you disagree with me, the most automatic (and seemingly quickest) way for me to resolve the conflict is to make you listen while I give you the information you’re missing. After all, once you have all the information I have you’ll agree with me, right? Obviously, the problem is that you’ll have the same goal, which is to make me listen while you illuminate me. This unhelpful process leads to the rapid escalation so common in relationship conflict.

Breaking the cycle of stalemates

Alternatively, maybe I’ve done the wrong thing, and I know it. One client described the feeling of looking at a box of junk on the ground that you know is yours. You want to pick it up, but your partner is watching and what if they kick you in the ribs when you bend down. People are often fearful of admitting wrongdoing in case they’re framed as a villain. But when a stubborn person never admits they’re wrong, but one day shows a hint of remorse it can be appealing to make sure they fully understand the scope of their guilt and lay it all out at once (which in turn can feel like the “kick in the ribs”). This cyclical process causes stalemates where no-one wants to admit any guilt at all, which hinders a couples’ ability to repair damage to their relationship.

The focus of couples counselling

One of the biggest benefits of the Gottman Method of couples counselling is its focus on healthy and helpful processes of communication. These processes are quite simple to learn (although they take a lot of practice) and they can slow down escalation in conflict, and allow for hurts to be explored without anyone feeling like the villain. Additionally, once couples are comfortable with these beneficial processes, they can “plug in” whatever content they may be struggling with, rather than having to address every single issue within the therapy room. The end of year can be a particularly stressful time for couples, but also the perfect time to establish healthier communication processes.

Written by Ewan Love

Registered Psychologist.